Memtamorphsis

Junior High

Elementary school was a time of wonderment and joy however Junior High would be my demise. Excitement coursed through my veins at the thought of beginning Queen Charlotte; it was soon replaced with fear.

I enjoyed my friends, made new ones and had fun, unfortunately it was not my forte`. I loved discovering new things; however the structure of the school and how we learned was, for me, dismal.

I was a passionate reader and that would be my escape. Why does a twelve year old need to escape? High School and all the convoluted facets of this institution were daunting and intimidating. I spent more time trying to fit in and have my peers like me than I ever spent studying. What to wear, how to talk to boys, whom to be friends with and whom to avoid were the social norms.

My Junior High School experience was a time of confliction. My body was going through several changes, as my hormones began a new and unfamiliar dance. I discovered, to my horror, that my parents were not perfect. I also realized that most adults were fallible and that was a colossal disappointment. I had no voice. Parents and teachers believed in the old axiom, ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ I felt as if the cosmos had played a horrific joke on me. My precious innocence was forever lost and the acute ache was unending.

There was a shift in my equilibrium and for a long time a sadness washed over me. I was not able to understand or articulate my melancholy during those years but it was always just below the surface. Sometimes the sorrow was replaced with indignation, how dare the universe play such a cruel joke on me. These things were never discussed so they just simmered in my soul for many years and dimmed my spirit.

How many parts can one twelve year old play? The real me or the one my parents wanted me to be? The student the teachers expected me to be? Was I good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, funny enough, the actor in me emerged as I tried to be all. Often I got lost in the various performances. How long can this drama last? Will the real me please stand up? It is hard to concentrate on learning while my mind is trying to remember which character I’m playing.

The extraordinary thing about high school is that the feelings can last a life time. It can take several years and a lot of study to realize how indelible and deep seeded those fears really are.

Friends and humour assisted me on my journey through the murky corridors of high school while books whisked me away to magical kingdoms. When life became difficult, I flew to distant shores and soared over the oceans and mountains of the universe. I donned ruby red slippers and danced with munchkins.