GETTING OLDER ISN'T FOR SISSY'S As Bette Davis once said, 'getting older isn't for sissy's' and she was correct. If you are of a certain age and are lucky enough to wake up each morning, you may discover a new or an existing ailment. I recall as a youngster listening to several adult conversations. The main theme would often be one's health or lack thereof. Well I am here now and it ain't a pretty sight. Jeepers creepers each morning is like Christmas. “I wonder what new gift I will receive from the universe”. A stiff neck, knees that won't bend, a back that requires a heating pad as I shuffle out to the kitchen to begin the pill taking process. Oh what a joy and a delight. Medications must be divided up into days and placed in a pill container with the days of the week inscribed for easy viewing. How often have I been sleepy and forgot what day it was and taken the wrong day. Drats! Did I take today's meds or was that yesterday. Jeez Louise I am old. Or am I? In terms of numbers I am old but in my head and heart, I am just a young woman. However when I can't recall what I had for breakfast, I get worried. When I go to talk to one of my children or grandchildren I have to go through a litany of names before I find the right one. Or in terms of my daughters Vicki and Julie, I just say, VaJul. They always answer so I am good for one out of two. For most of my adult life I was a blonde and recently stopped dying my hair. It is now sprinkled with grey and wherever I go young people offer to assist me. Can I carry those parcels for you missus? Yikes I wasn't prepared for that. When I look in the mirror my reflection informs me I am old and have turned into my mother. God forbid but it is true. When did all this happen. On one hand it seems like overnight, however it is a process. I guess we ignore it until you find yourself grabbing your adult child's arm for support. I would not consider climbing stairs without a bannister and I walk with my head down so that I won't trip and fall. This aging requires substantial thought and precision. As far as electronics go I really try to stay informed. I can hook up a TV and wireless printer, find my way around the computer and smart TV with an M8 Box. If these things were all universal I would be doing just dandy. However these companies keep changing their formats and information and I get lost trying to keep up. I used to have son Jamie help with all these new fang-dangled updates but now I think my grandchildren are even more up to date and informed. This reminds of using my debt card. Would it be all that difficult for everyone to use the same debt card machines? One card fits all. Wouldn't that just be the 'cats meow'. Many years ago an older woman said to me that all she did was go to funerals. Hmm she was foreshadowing my future visits to the the local funeral homes. My first visit daily is to the Obits. Lately a lot of these people are younger than me. Scary. Okay heres the deal. I am old with more than few health issues. So are many others in my age group and lots who are much younger. My illness isn't fatal. I am still able to bitch and complain. So many others are no longer here and would love to be. I have an expiry date like everyone else. Unfortunately many people are saddled with a terminal illness or an illness where they are extremely sick and facing devastating consequences. So I have to ask myself, how the hell lucky am I. Very is my answer. I have incredible children and grandchildren whom I love. My extended family are my other loves as are my friends. Do I complain about my health...damn right! But I do realize how fortunate I am, you bet your sweet bibby. I owe so many people for their wonderful love and support during these past two years. I was and am lucky to have the doctors that have cared for me. My three children have been my life supports during this time. They cooked my meals, bought my groceries and did all my errands as well as driving me to the doctor's and hospital. My friends were constantly asking what they could do to assist. My sister was always just a call away. How loved I felt during this process. Lately I have noticed articles, TV commentators, comedians, and our local politicians talk about Senior Citizens. Comedians get a free pass because they tell jokes. I don't think so unless they themselves are of a certain age. They would have had a great laugh at me the day I tried to stand up in a local restaurant. I thought I might have to live there because getting up was more than I was able to do. I thought of calling Tim's Crane Service. It was very embarrassing and finally with lots of help I was able to stand. Then there are these truly wonderful and amazing men, women, and children who make each day a delight. People who are just genuinely magnanimous. Kindness and a friendly word and smile goes a long way. I am looking forward to the day when I am off meds and am mobility is improved. I will try very hard not to complain although this might take a ginormous effort on my part. The most important thing for me to remember is to keep my sense of humour. Anne Storey April 12, 2016

CHOCOLATE SQUASH What is it with this weight thing? Everything one craves is bad for you. Why can't a bag of kale taste more like a bag of potato chips? Yeah, I know there are Kale chips in stores if one is starving to death or have lost their taste buds. Why we would all be beating down the doors of the local supermarket to purchase this delightful, tasty low-calorie kale. Maybe if squash tasted like candy and turnip tasted like german chocolate. We would have no problem getting our five to seven fruits and vegetables a day. I would hope that one wouldn't become so addicted to the Kale and/or squash that overdosing wouldn't become an issue. Somehow I can't imagine a twelve step program for Kale Overeaters or Squash Anonymous. So why all these silly comparisons ... well, I am overweight and am eating my kale and veggies. I am also devouring all the bad foods. Recently I was in Halifax for an appointment with my specialist. The doctor put me against the wall and measured my height. There you go five foot three. “What,” I cried loudly. I used to be five six. I lost three inches. I'm not fat, I shrunk horizontally. Yee gads I'm shrinking, gravity is pulling me down and it is not a pretty sight. I go back to see the doctor in August. Oh, my what if I'm down another inch or two. I might become the incredible shrinking woman. Now if I could only find a way to get my body shrinking vertically I'll be in business. If anyone has the panacea for me, for the love of all that is holy, let me in on the secret. ANNE STOREY APRIL 17, 2016